Category: Doctrine

It has been said that deconstructing is merely the latest chic, sexy, thing to do. Yes, it seems to be the thing to do, but the common process involved in the millions of us leaving the church is not happening for the reasons some defensive evangelicals are framing up. It was not a temper tantrum; the process of the decision to leave was slow, deliberate, and painful. Now that I’m out, it is hard to accept that I really used to believe that hurtful stuff. Nobody likes admitting being wrong, but it is sure welcome to be free.

Ex-vangelicals are processing the admission of being wrong about something that was so central, (pardon the pun) so fundamental, to our being. It’s hard. Pulling back the curtain to reveal so much hurt, cruelty, and oppression, all done in the name of ‘love,’ in the name of Christ, to call the lost world and all the billions of people away from incurring the infinite wrath of a righteous God who will throw all those who will not say (or do) X, (What that X is is subject to much debate among the holy folk,) into the agony of fire forever, has been heart wrenching. I still follow what is being taught at my old church because there are people there whom I deeply care about. (And I like being informed.) Now that I better understand the ‘code’ and see the world through a new lens, what I am hearing and seeing appalls me. Those within that deeply fucked up system do not consciously understand how they are being harmed. (I was deeply, deeply harmed.) But they suffer as they innocently pray for deliverance from the fear and anxiety common ‘Christian’ teaching instills in them to keep them docile and compliant as the institution seeks to feed itself as it seeks to conquer the world for Christ.  

The whole mess is masked in the delusion that the institution of the church itself is that which will brings salvation to the world; people just need Jesus, the ‘answer’ to everything, and all would be well—under the inculcated assumption that the institution itself, the church writ large, is that which possesses ‘Jesus’ to dispense to the unwashed masses. With all its empty talk of unmerited grace and unconditional love, the demands of the institution itself by the very manner in which it is structured say something very different—you need to believe (and do) x, y, and z to be a Christian in good standing. Since the spoken message (of unmerited grace) is in direct conflict with the (power) structures governing acceptability which dispense those messages, the cognitive dissonance generated is just plain astounding. (A primary reason for this is because the infiltration of the ‘seven mountain mandate’ into just about everything evangelical; but that is not my focus here.) This dissonance in turn generates copious amounts of anxiety and/or misdirected rage which can either result in doubling down in ‘faith’ or, as my case eventually, rebellion. This is why we are so divided—those within the holy framework cannot see this dissonate dynamic and those outside it are appalled by its cultish vibe.

To the faithful, the message and understanding of grace and salvation is commonly understood in context of faithful acquiescence to the authority structures of the church. Those who question things, really anything outside of what that culture accepts, are wicked rebels. I used to think I could work within the system to persuade but the prevalent parishioner’s enthusiastic acceptance of the blatant authoritarianism and unquestioning demand of ‘whimsical’ Tim ultimately convinced me that was hopeless. ‘Authority’ is generated, in short, by stoking fear, generating threats, determining who’s in and who’s out, figuring who’s safe and who’s not, thus feeding the anxiety so that money can collected from the fearful to confront the threat, all while maintaining the appearance that you’re a nice, caring fellow who has the interests of the little people in mind—wash, rinse, repeat. The process of generating authority creates and feeds an ‘us and them’ mentality—this way of thinking bleeds out and infects every aspect of our culture.

There is so much money to be made throughout the whole process. FoxNews, as one example, is making a bloody fortune capitalizing on something the church actively feeds—you know, Culture War! The culture war is a great rallying point for all the various factions, who really have serious doctrinal differences with each other, to point their collective fingers at the ‘woke’, the liberals, the queers, as being the enemies of God and this Great Nation. (The funny thing is that if the righteous folk ever did eliminate the queer, woke evil doers, they would turn and rip each other to shreds for domination in a heartbeat. Humans have a constant need for an ‘other’ to serve as a scapegoat to relieve built up interpersonal tensions.) As more and more ‘agents of Satan’ fall away, the anxiety doubles again; the fact that a reason must be given to explain away something which ‘God’ said was going to happen but didn’t, guarantees dissonance, division, blame, scapegoating, and anxiety about whether Christians are going to ‘win’ the fight. Temper Tantrum Trump was anointed by God to fight. He lost. Deny, deny, deny. Double down in anger and frustration. Limit God by saying the forces of Satan were (and are) just too damn strong. Add to the little Christian’s shame by claiming they just didn’t have the faith to carry the fight to vanquish the forces of darkness. It’s about control.

Christians, your leaders prey on you; they manipulate you by using the ever-pervasive sense of threat to bolster the efforts of the power (and prestige) hungry to worm their way into ever more political control to ‘make America great again’ as one nation under the (Christian) God.’ They’ve fooled you into thinking you all will ‘rule and reign’ with them ‘under the lordship of Jesus Christ’ (Che Ahn) and it’s all going to be wonderful. (You all really should examine your motives.) Now that politics, business, and religion (three of the seven mountains) are well enmeshed in each other, the practical matter of what is in and what is out pushes, pulls, and feeds both upwards and downwards fueling the conflict between the controllers and the controlled. The vast Christian empire, the aspects of which I talk about in this blog, seeks to set the rules of the power game. Play the game, get rewarded. Cross the system, especially if you are a pastor, get cast out.

As I’ve said for many years, without fully comprehending the depth of that reality, the church is far more ‘American’ than it is ‘Christian.’ People just looked at me and rolled their eyes. ‘What is Mark not happy with now?’ What prolonged the inevitable was that I was an affluent, strong, tall, educated, white male. I strongly suspect that if had raised the kind of hell I raised as a woman, or as someone not in the dominate demographic, my protestations would have been met with a lot more open hostility. There is of course no way to test this idea. But judging by the whole system circles the wagons to protect itself, I believe this claim is not too far out there. As I’ve said time and time again, the church, with all its entanglements, its clear quest for power, works to keep everyone, I mean everyone, under the banner of its authority. Yet even the prophets and apostles have their constraints as to what they can pitch to the faithful. Brilliantly, the New Apostolic Reformation system has devised a way to both uphold and share power with each other. Individual pastors working in churches both big and small have less ability to question the vastly interconnected and capitalized system because they have a living to make. Push too hard, question too much, the faithful will fire you. The extensive system regulates itself quite well. (C. Peter Wagner was an organizational genius.) The system rewards assholes because, let’s be honest, it takes an asshole to claim apostolic authority over other people. (The funny thing, the assholes likely even believe their own shit.) The people not only are conditioned to accept the authority of assholes but to love those assholes for showing them the way to power. Trump, by far the biggest, most egregious, open and unashamed asshole ever to be embraced, and even worshipped (golden Trump at CPAC for example,) by the Christian establishment to save American for God is my cited proof that that. The people expect that it will take an asshole to save because they want certainty of victory over all those they’ve been trained to fear; assholes deliver that (sense of) certainty. When the whole fucking thing implodes into violence (like January 6^th) the apostolic authorities (namely Dutch Sheets) can just shamelessly blame the ubiquitous demonic powers for the violence implying that faithful were just not committed enough to carry out the wishes of a very limited God. Inject more anxiety, foster more fear and an ever-present sense of inadequacy. Double-down, have faith (in us,) we are winning, so say all the assholes supposedly anointed by God to say so.

It is so hard to admit we are wrong. Nobody wants to admit it else the whole system would crash. (And I would say that the accelerating ex-vangelical movement is clear evidence of the growing awareness of the church’s depravity. The local rhetoric of ‘God is doing mighty things in our church’ seeks to bolster the morale of those who remain faithful against the fear of impending collapse.) This cycle of anxiety, rage, and doubling down ensures that the most depraved amongst us, those willing to support (or not confront) common lies, will remain in power to maintain the dominant demographic’s sense of comfort, righteousness, and superiority.

The other survival technique for pastors lower down in the power structure is just to pretend there is nothing wrong with the whole fucked up system. Enter my old church—Centralia Church of the Nazarene. No evangelical church is immune—the power of Christian media, the larger evangelical culture entwined with a business model (Purpose Driven Life—Church, yada, yada) and a reliance upon attaining political power to fulfill the purposes of God, infects the whole mess. It’s all culture war now. (On the 8^th day God created an asshole who will shit on everyone who is not among the chosen.) For the lowly pastor, it’s conform or be kicked out. Confront only that which is safe to confront. Use the common, fill-in-your-own-blank language to spur the congregation towards Jesus’ goals. Never ever be pointed, specific, or truly confrontational. This, finally, brings me to a sermon delivered in my old haunt on February 5^th, 2023. Preface over; let’s talk about self-preservation.

The multi-part sermon series I’m going to address today is entitled Blueprint; Belong, Believe, Become, Serve. The nationalist, charismatic sector of the church is ‘growing’ all for the wrong reasons. The church is a product that promises power. It pitches a relief in response to the anxiety it generates. Starting in minute 48, the pastor repeats the trope that Christians are persecuted. That is false but it is useful to the institution seeking to feed and empower itself. The church is concentrating and radicalizing as the fear of ‘replacement,’ thanks Tucker Carlson and FoxNews, builds. Oh, the poor American Christian, oppressed by drag queens, and abortionists… What we need in response is strong leaders. (People like DeSantis who will bring down the wrath of God against ‘those’ people? You don’t say.)  We need to assemble the ‘resources necessary’? To do what exactly? What specifically are these ‘resources’ Matt? Oh, you don’t say. Culture warriors, feel free to fill that in as you see fit. Power, power, power.

49:30 The notion that everyone is a ‘minister’ is a crock. I know Paul says that, but my standard for a minister are a bit higher. Those ‘spiritual’ ministers who advocate for the power of nationalism are wrecking balls. To them, the specific doctrines concerning the nature of the trinity, the atonement, eschatology, etc., are not anywhere as important as important as acquiring the power necessary to end non-existent Christian oppression. You repeated it yourself Matt, Christians are oppressed. You are affirming what the whole Christian machine teaches Christians to fear. You are supporting a massive lie in support of the quest for power. People naturally will believe and act in ways to protect themselves; Jesus, to my recollection, did not teach this approach to ministry. Jesus laid down his power; he hung out with the marginalized. The ‘Family,’ ‘Focus on the Family,’ Salem Communications, the Council for National Policy, as facilitated in smokey backrooms, and ‘open’ events such as the ‘National Prayer Breakfast,’ will make damn sure all Christians are afraid. We must make ‘the others’ submit to us to contain the threat. You reinforce this trope of oppression for your own preservation.

49:45 What I do is think. All those years I just felt something was dreadfully wrong. I made predictions based on observations of character which came to pass. I confronted things that I did not fully understand that now I thump myself on the head saying ‘duh!’ Hillsong, for example, is a cesspool. Such a system begs for exploitation and corruption. And that is what happened. I knew that when I heard in Sunday School that Trump was anointed by God to save America that Trump was a total wrecking ball sack of shit that the GOP would eventually love to jettison for a more appropriate, and smarter, fascist like DeSantis. I just felt, even when I had young daughters that I wanted to protect, that purity culture is horrifying, terribly destructive, and demonstrable that it does not achieve its stated objective—it cripples people sexually—especially females. (Still kicking myself for not opposing it even more than I did.) Hell, I called the MOPS implosion. I knew Dave was in deep shit for trying to minister to everyone ‘riding on the edge of the coin’ as COVID was helping to radicalize everything. I called these matters based upon judgement of character while I was still an ‘insider.’ But I was perceived as just another malcontent. So much for ‘thinking.’ Sit down, shut up, send money.

49:50 Play your role? What was my role, Matt? Am I mad? Yes. I put two decades and 10% of my income into the church. A part of me wishes I could have that time and money back. I was faithful! My ‘spheres of influence’? (Sounds like NAR language to me.) Again, I think. There are people in your church I care about deeply. They are being misled into supporting something that is both vampiric and supremacist. No, I’m not mad about not having power within my old church. I don’t want power. Games disgust me. I say what I think regardless of whether it will gain me standing. I positioned my life to be able to make a living without having to play games. I want all people (regardless of relation to the church) to be free from oppression—church oppression. I was free to play my role if I did not question too much. To be faithful, the ‘role’ is to obey, shut up, send money.

50:40 ‘Listen as they tell their story’? Who are you kidding? (This smacks a bit Timmish.) What do we get constantly on FoxNews? Invasion at the border, right? Fear brown people. Fear queer people. Fear liberals who hate God and want to destroy the country. That is the Christian culture Matt. Sam Perry, sociologist, categorizes the level of involvement in the program of Christian Nationalism as ambassadors, accommodators, resistors, and rejectors. 75% of evangelicals surveyed are in the first two categories. Resistor is what I was, rejector is what I am now. The strength of these nationalistic convictions is concentrating and radicalizing the evangelical church as the resisters lose hope and leave to become ex-vangelicals. There is nothing in your sermon which even remotely addresses this reality.

I know from experience that certain topics are not okay to bring up with an evangelical. There are expectations, rules, because that which threatens our existence as good people is ever present. This is embedded in our everyday language—we don’t understand how to listen to things which are foreign to our list of ‘acceptable’ sins. We can talk about things like adultery, divorce, drinking, and anger issues because those are the kinds of things we do (and hence accept.) But things which lie outside of the conservative, straight, white, heterosexual context? Nope. Our culture is saturated with violent spiritual warfare rhetoric concerning those who seek to destroy the ‘purity’ of the nation. The empire of Focus on the Family has embedded racist coded phrases like ‘welfare queens’ into our brains. (The ‘beauty’ of Trump was that he would say the quiet parts out loud to our garish delight.)

Judgment, that which permeates all Christian thought, dominates. God helps those who help themselves—this is a very common Christian belief as it forms a basis for conservatism. Anyone who should dare question the Dobsonian claims concerning a woman’s true place or say that it is abusive to teach that the fate of the nation lies in the sexual purity of young, female bodies is an enemy of God’s plan. Dare say the faithful should abide hearing a story of someone deeply wounded by purity culture, or by the constant anxiety generated by all the ‘Left Behind’ bullshit. What about being confronted with the doctrine of eternal conscious torment? Heaven forbids they be theologically literate about Christian history and conversant in the various theories of the atonement. People get defensive when they are epistemologically threatened. Better to just stick with the expectations of Christian appearance and defend the indefensible.  

Continuing the listening to them theme, people, for another example, are unlikely to reveal to an evangelical about how they got diddled by a religious authority figure. If they did, the walls would go up in a micro-second about how the perpetrator was not really a Christian. After all Matt, you were very clear to inform the people, reiterating several times, that, ‘Without Christ, our hearts are desperately wicked.’ (A clear supremacist message by the way which would be affirmed by the faithful as God’s Truth, like it or not, in an instant. Although where the bar of ‘acceptability’ in terms of wickedness is set is subject to endless debate hence then the constant anxiety for those whose consciences are a bit more fragile. This is an excellent control mechanism to be exploited by those who think very highly of themselves and their relationship with the Almighty. Name it and claim it, I suppose.) How does this facilitate the faithful’s listening to the stories of the wicked others? It doesn’t do that very well at all. Those ‘others’ must remain within our cultural wheelhouse, that is, not perceived to be threatening, and certainly not ‘icky,’ to be hearable.

I’ll go on… How should one hear the story about other kinds of abuse one suffered at hands of Christians? This is very common. It’s my story. I’ve ‘righteously’ hurt others using supremacist language and other pious bullshit. How could the faithful hear a story about those disillusioned by the corruption and cover-ups with the church? That is a common refrain I’ve heard from the ‘others.’ This is a relevant moral concern, yet they, without Christ, are desperately wicked? (Mix in a little Calvinist nonsense about ‘common grace’ perhaps?) How should the conservative faithful listen to someone who is ‘not us’ share stories about being hurt by racism? Deny, deny, deny. That would make us look bad. What about LGBTQ issues—the hurts, threats, fears, ridicule, insults, and assaults? Response? It is your own damn fault for being a traitor to nature. Right? If everyone is a minister and is, as such, speaking for God, then the denial of racism, the disgust for queer people, and just, plain gaslighting on a host of issues carries with it a measure of God’s authority. Do you really wonder why so many of the ‘lost’ do not want to hear anything from the people of God? Oh yeah, it’s just because ‘those people’ are wicked; ‘they don’t have the light of truth that we have.’

The culture of Christian Nationalism, which is thoroughly infused in the church, teaches people to not react well to the above conversations. Such conversations are a threat to Christian perceptions of how the world ought to be. Christian politics, fear, and cultivated anxiety conditions thoughts and actions towards fighting the culture war. The stories of those who do not share the conservative worldview threaten the sense of how loving evangelical Christians believe they are. Christians are cheering laws which seek to silence marginalized from talking about things which offend us. Clearly supremacist. Not listening. Not loving. The Christian posture separates. Listen to their stories? In our world, they must either conform to becoming us, or remain silent and unseen. That is what we collectively do to the marginalized through political force. We cheer it to ‘save America!’ (To reach the holy folk, even Trump must make claims that he can be a bigger asshole than DeSantis to remain relevant.) You would not dare to bring any inkling of these kinds of things up because your people would fire you in a heartbeat.

Tim, CentNaz’s interim pastor, an apt example of a total asshat, claimed that he loved to talk with ’10 out of 10’ difficult people concerning the faith. I don’t believe him. Right off, he made it clear in a sermon how he handled having his authority questioned; message sent, ‘don’t cross me.’ This even pissed my wife off; a feat since she is much more charitable than I am. Well, I crossed him anyway and he was not happy. He even preached a sermon about people finding faults and ‘sniffing armpits’ (looking right at me as I scowled right back. Fuck you, Tim.) He made the claim that what the Bible teaches is clear. It is anything but clear. What he was really saying was, ‘I am the authority; what I say the Bible says is what the Bible says.’ One authoritarian asshole coming through I could abide, but the people of the church seemed to love what that asshole had to say. Since Tim made it clear that he was into the culture war, political activism and what not, it became abundantly clear that I did not share the same values with the people I’d been with for 20 years. I was nothing but a thorn.

The reason I bring all this up is that the religion which supposes itself to be international and cross-cultural, is not—at least not in the United States. Tim’s epistemology was not threatened by me at all, but his authority sure was. He is a common example—I’ve crossed these kinds of people my whole life. I remember how I used to talk when I was ‘in-the-club’ and I am so sorry to all those I hurt. As an apologetics expert I had the ‘answers.’ I believed—until the depravity of evangelicalism made itself abundantly clear to me. What I thought was love, wasn’t. What I thought was grace, wasn’t. Now I must forgive myself and find a new path.

There are good evangelical people who probably have enough charity in their hearts to have a cross-cultural conversation, but they are not the ones who are going to be spurred on by a mention in a sermon to listen to the stories of others. They are already doing it while keeping it on the down-low that they are either not ‘all in’ on the Christian Nationalism thing or do not understand what it is and the extent of nationalism’s power and influence. These ‘resisters’ increasingly are heading out of the evangelical church as they are losing hope. The ex-vangelicals are waking up to meet almost instant disapproval in polite company, those conversations which threaten ‘Christian’ authority and/or epistemology. Without confronting the supremacy, the bigotry, the fear, the anxiety, the lies, the conspiracies, the hatred, the authoritarianism, the arrogance, the xenophobia, etc., contained within Christian Nationalism then the appeals to listen to the stories of others will only achieve the same results as it had in the past—concentration and radicalization. How to confront all this while keeping the peace? Beats me. All I know is that I’m not going to shut up.

Few are going to mention, let alone confront, that which roams about in conversations, radio programs, Podcasts, sermons, FoxNews, InfoWars, Facebook, Christian music, etc., to mold the anxious Christian mind for even more fear and exploitation. Who is for sin? Culture war stuff is a multi-Billion-dollar industry. Pretending the culture war itself does not injure people (Fact: it kills lots of people) by inspiring verbal and physical violence is, in my world, depraved. The culture warrior believes the violence is justified. By not confronting all the various things concerning human interactions listed above, I see the matter of remaining silent as being an endorsement of the current state of lies, conspiracies, and exploitation which, as a demonstrably practical matter, lead to more violence. No worries—all that is justifiable to save the world for Jesus. After all, all we need is Jesus. Say the sinner’s prayer. Use the right vocabulary. Believe the right things. Support the right causes. All of this follows because we’ve found Jesus. Jesus fixes everything. True belief, healing, and good conduct follow. The ‘Prince of Peace’ is ‘all in’ for discrimination, cruelty, and violence as such things will eventually fix things to the degree that Jesus can then come back and have mercy on whom he has mercy. So, get on board so Jesus’ Dad doesn’t burn you in hell forever. Better to be an asshole than in agony.

51:08 How has God shaped me? Well, let me see here…Let me tell my story. Violent childhood. Endured physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual abuse. I have no idea how many times I was whipped, degraded, and screamed at. The Bible was weaponized against me. Lots of guilt and shame. Terrified of going to hell. Raised on ‘Thief in the Night.’ Time, and again, bouts of terror that I’d missed the rapture when someone wasn’t where they were supposed to be. My grandfather was a great counter to all this crap, he was always good to me; I wouldn’t have made it without him. Tried to kick God out of the universe because the young me thought that most adult Christians (other than my grandfather) are assholes. Said and did anything to get into as many female shorts as I could—hence, I was an asshole. Didn’t really understand anything much about sacrificial love until I met a woman I eventually fell in love with. She was deeply broken like me. Although we began the relationship for the wrong reasons, I came to see her as a human being as she eventually revealed her hurt to me. It rocked my world, a woman seen as my equal, both in great pain. She ended up breaking my heart. Because of all the damage we did to each other in the early part of our relationship, and as we both grew personally (and I was trying to get my career started and hence was working a lot) she came to realize that it was not going to work. Splitsville. I sincerely hope she is having a good life.

Due to my lack of success in becoming an atheist, the fear of hell still dominated my heart and mind and so I came to the sinner’s prayer, and (due to all the religious trauma) again and again, countless times. I started to feel guilty about all the people I had hurt. God’s judgement fell upon me time and again. The language of grace was there but what I didn’t understand until decades later crippled the message. I studied apologetics and theology trying to make sense of what I mistakenly thought was the only game in town for avoiding the fires of hell. I had no idea the depth of the teaching’s cruelty. In all this, I was also desperate to be loved but resolved myself to rise above the priority of just getting laid. I tried not to let my desperation screw up my next relationship. The next woman I became intimate with was my beautiful wife to whom I’ve been married almost 30 years. She is God’s gift to me.

 She taught me what love is. She stood beside me as I processed my trauma. And I did the same for her. That’s what love is. It’s not judgement, or fear of rejection, or punishment, or shaming—it’s walking beside. Christians tell these kinds of stories, but the foundations all descend to judgment and punishment. I adore my wife. I wanted to be a better man for her and our children, yet as much as I tried to be that man I still said and did things I am not proud of. A good number of these things stemmed from what I was taught that good Christian men should do. Yet, I must give myself grace because my intentions were good even though I was doing harm. I can honestly say that I didn’t come anywhere close to passing on to my children what my parents did to me—and for that I am proud.

Jesus doesn’t fix anything (but I hope that he walks beside.) For decades I studied theology and apologetics trying to shoehorn the Bible into the evangelical model. But all I was reading were evangelical texts. Little, if anything, fit. I’d been saying for years that American Christianity seemed much more American than it did Christian, but I didn’t appreciate the depth of that depravity until the Christians threw their enthusiastic support behind Trump to save America. I could no longer try to trick myself into believing (evangelical) Christianity was about helping people—it is primarily about exploitation and power. All couched in bullshit language about caring for people. It’s a sham.

I was working tons of overtime to put my daughter through law school; that was my priority which greatly slowed down my actual exit from the church. I still hoped that perhaps when given the opportunity I could talk people out of the depravity of Christian Nationalism. But as I became more and more ‘liberal’ the less and less persuasive I became. Then there was Tim. Then we all worshipped the flag in the sanctuary to honor the veterans. I walked out. After that, my wife relented and did not fight to keep my coming to that church. Hello freedom.

It is remarkable how happy I’ve become once I let all that go. So how did God shape me into what I am today? If you suppose that the evangelical is the cat’s meow to introduce people to the Jesus that fixes everything, that evangelicalism is the proper expression for worshipping and honoring God then it seems a demon got a hold of me (which has been openly said) to pull me away from obedience to God. Once saved, always saved? Nobody really believes that. I still meet with and run into people from the church—I positively assume they are sad about me leaving but no one so far has asked me why. I had to demand a letter of release and an exit interview. Since I was someone always questioning this, that, or the other thing, am I free to assume there was some relief in the departure of a troublemaker? Do they suppose I’m lost? Regard me a selfish sinner who is not a team player? I can only speculate.

I still believe in God, but I don’t believe in the evangelical church because I firmly believe it does more harm than good—even a relatively tame church like Centralia Nazarene. It does more harm than good because of all the simply screwed up beliefs and practices which float around in the evangelical universe—things the local church couldn’t immunize itself against even if they were aware of such things and wanted to confront them. A plethora of harmful teachings are simply baked into the culture. Far from abandoning God, I’m reading works from liberal theologians, black theologians, theologians who are commonly regarded as heretics, along with sociologists, secular scholars of religion, psychiatrists, to see an entirely different world in which God is not an asshole—I don’t have to defend the doctrine of eternal conscious torment, the Canaanite Invasion, or that God who just flips out every now and then to kill a bunch of people. If it was a ‘demon’ (I doubt it) who steered me into this belief, I would thank him. If it was God, I would thank whoever and whatever he, she, they, or it is.

Thankfully I no longer must believe the Bible is literally true. The whole ‘literal’ shtick was always pick and choose anyway—there was no way to make sense of it anyway otherwise. We make the God we want; fundamentalists do this despite their protestations to the contrary—they propose a God who clearly plays favorites. I (the heretic) want(s) a God who has love for everyone, not just the chosen few. I want a God who does not need to kill or torture anyone—including His Son. Heresy, I know. I want a God who would not design a system of thought which fills its adherents with fear and anxiety while claiming to be the solution to the same. Men did that. I want a God who considers all people, I mean everyone, as equally being the children of the divine. Although the fear of hell was so fully inculcated into me at a young age, despite all the doctrines surrounding the sadistic teaching which don’t make a lick of sense, it is hard to suppose enjoying my eternity with an personal entity who must burn people I love for that eternity because they didn’t do, believe, or say the right things to be freed from the wickedness which seals that fate. (Yes, I am familiar with the basic theories of atonement. I’ve considered the various arguments concerning how the ‘get out of hell free’ card is issued.) I imagine I could say, ‘well, this thoroughly sucks, but it is better than burning myself’; or I could be transformed into righteously thinking they fully deserve that fate to then skip happily along on the golden streets of heaven. The more I thought about it, the more twisted and sicker the doctrine appears to me. If this makes me wicked in your eyes, so be it. I don’t worry about the authorities anymore because I truly and honestly believe the common doctrines espoused by evangelicalism are not true. Thank God.

Salvation lies not in espousing certain ‘correct’ beliefs whipped up by some men who have serious control and vengeance issues. Our limited nature makes reliance on correct epistemology fraught with peril. I spent decades trying to get it right—turns out I was barking up the wrong tree. Thank you, Peter Enns and Obery Hendricks! Apologetics is mostly bullshit. Still wavering between annihilationism and universal reconciliation but even if I should be heading to oblivion, I am grateful for my life now. I still give daily thanks to God for wife, daughters, friends, health, wealth, life, and love. I hang around with liberal Christians, those the culture warriors see as traitors to the faith, hoping that I meet a different Jesus than what the evangelicals pitched to me. The rainbow flag is that which truly says all are welcome. I’m sorrowful for what I used to believe and say. I take the elements of communion with them. I find meaning in the solidarity of responsive prayer, and in the ceremonies demonstrating gratitude and awe. I want to believe.

I have a lot to unpack still, but that’s my story. I’m deeply wounded through years of religious abuse. I’ve clearly said some things which make me a heretic whom John Calvin would have burned to righteously defend the faith—as he did to Michael Servetus. I doubt anyone from my old haunt would care to engage—too much of a threat. There are millions of people just like me who’ve been deeply wounded by Christians and the church. There are millions of others who just by observing in general all the trauma religion generates leads them to conclude such a thing couldn’t be from God, hence they don’t believe. I recommend not trying to convince your targets that those hurtful people weren’t true Christians. I’ve heard this many times; doing this is very condescending and disingenuous. The evangelical theological system itself is rotten, it hurts and sours good people by teaching people to say and do very hurtful things in the name of God.  I do not wish you all success.

51:40 ‘Because we have the power of God’? It’s not love we’re talking about here. Do you not think about how Christians commonly connect the power of God with political power? It is an ugly fact. This is a fine example of how the theology of power which come out of Christian Nationalism (and the prosperity gospel which richly fertilized the soil in which Christian nationalism grew) permeates our everyday thought and language. Evangelicals, I believe, arrogantly appropriate the power of God for themselves much like they’ve appropriated the stars and stripes, and various Jewish sacred objects, to suit their own purposes. The practical result of doing this creates a serious separation between human beings. But that is what holiness basically is, right? Christians are supposed to listen to the ‘lost’s’ stories so that a proposal can hopefully be made to the prospect that ‘the power of God’ could be bestowed on the prospect to fix the problems which cause the suffering. Thanks to the prosperity gospel, faithful Christians promise power in exchange for faith. Never mind all the charlatans who rip people off by promising the ‘power of God’ to heal them from x, y, or z. Never mind all the failed prophecies given by means of the ‘power of God’ that this, that, or the other thing was going to happen—but didn’t. It is a demonstrably false gospel in its most obvious form, but ‘softer’ evangelicals pitch a more palatable, watered-down version to people hoping to escape their suffering. Scientific approach to easing suffering is often poo-pooed—and in more extreme (yet common) cases, we’re not just talking about therapy and psychiatry here but vaccines and masks in the face of an epidemic which killed millions! Don’t you believe in the ‘power of God!’ ‘This is a matter of our basic freedoms!’ I simply do not believe that when humans appropriate the ‘power of God’ for themselves that God just relents and lets them use that power in whatever manner the human sees fit. What Would Jesus Do? Right?

Furthermore, suppose someone does convert to claim that power for healing x, y, or z. What if, after much prayer and godly counseling, that person does not heal? Who’s to blame? In cases of PTSD for example, the various brain waves from different areas of those who suffer this do not flow in sync with one another as they do in a non-traumatize person. They are literally not of one mind. There was a whole series of electro-chemical changes which happened because of stress which led to their current suffering. That is why they can be easily triggered into a flight or fight response. They need serious medical help but due to our ‘will over matter,’ ‘power of God’ stuff how many of these people forego treatment to pray their way out of it? I shudder to think of how many dead people I saw throughout my career who had killed themselves could have been saved if they’d been offered the scientific help they needed.

A little bit of advice Christian… quit offering people power. Power corrupts. To the extent the church helps people, it is because of the experience of solidarity, community, and love. Power is disconnected. Love is connected. Offer all people love without judgement or expectation. Love them enough to wear a mask or take a vaccine to protect them. With all the vitriol about ‘freedom,’ Christians have shown the world their love of others. Fuck ‘em—it’s about MY FREEDOM. Oh yeah, and how ‘bout, ‘Don’t spread lies which literally kill people’? Oh, don’t worry, you did your own research (from shit that emerged from 4-chan or from Trump’s sack-of-shit, lying face?) How about, ‘listen to people’s hurts even if it hurts you?’ You know, even if you are offended—even if you believe it is not holy? How about being open to admitting fault when you’re shown to be wrong? Oh, no, no, no… ‘We speak for God. How could we be wrong?’ Can Christians be willing to hear histories they don’t like—even ones that make the white race look less like the noble saviors of the rest of humanity? I do not believe they are willing. Will Christians jettison their fear of the others? Again, no. They will reward the ever-indignant Tucker Carlson for telling them exactly what they want to hear. (Going into this would require a discussion of Rene’ Girard’s mimetic theory and the scapegoat mechanism. Some other time.) The others are a threat to the purity of this nation. They dilute the pure message with ‘wokism,’ you know, demonic liberalism. The comforting echo chambers are well established. The church firmly believes it is righteous in its mission. I do not hold hope that the evangelical church is ever going to agree with anything other than seeking ever more power. This will continue until it is a smoking heap of ash. Ever read the Old Testament?

52:00 ‘Let God do His part’? Continuing on the power theme… What is God’s part in terms of the evangelical program of healing, restoration, and salvation? Does God force his will or not? Prevenient grace? Softer. This is related to a phenomenon that has always bothered me, ‘God told me such and such’; or even better, ‘God told me to tell you such and such.’ Really? Damn you’re important. So, you’ve listened, maybe said a few kind words to whoever needs the power of God we possess. Okay, now we’ll just step back and let God do his thing. What? Shall we suppose that since we the dispensers of God’s power and we ran into a hurting person whom we spent a little time with, that God will now move into that person’s life? Either you believe in irresistible grace, or you don’t. The practical effect of this teaching gives people space, which is a good thing. But, the big but, God, according to Wesleyan doctrine, does not force irresistible grace upon anyone. Nor, as it says in scripture, which Nazarenes generally accept as infallible (in their original forms of course,) God does not show favoritism. It also says in scripture that Christians are the hands of God, meaning, metaphorically, that lost people will come to know the love of God through Christian practical expressions of love for the lost. (Er…, to be clearer, personal expressions of loving action is what the Bible seems to teach in places about witnessing, but that’s not what Christian Nationalism teaches the faithful about how to save the planet through the ‘loving’ expressions of power to regulate the wicked—to God’s Glory, of course. There is direct conflict here which must be diverted and/or ignored.) So, as I understand the matter, according to your own scriptures, the faithful Christian should be both wise and generous in expressing love and charity to others without backing off too far. The inclination towards the appropriation of God’s power changes this dynamic. Just pray and release the power. All then will work itself out. Convenient.

I happen to believe that whatever religion you hold, atheist or whatever, all people are capable of love, compassion, charity, honesty, whatever. I, along with Roger Williams 300 or so years ago (who got kicked of Puritan society for saying this,) believe that pagans, non-white and otherwise, often have better moral codes than white Christians do. I think this is because of the corruption due to the white Christian’s sense of superiority, and its acquisition of political (and military) power. Today we have all kinds of self-proclaimed prophets and apostles running about jabbering about how we all are about to see God do his thing while whipping up Jericho marches filled with knuckleheads blowing shofars and flying flags. January 6^th, and all that surrounded that lovely little show of violent rage led by Christians, was supposed to result in a ‘mighty wind of revival’ blowing across the nation. It didn’t. Millions of us are absolutely disgusted by Christian behavior. What a wonderful witness to love that was, wasn’t it? In fear of this falling away (instead of the promised revival) the church again doubles-down, denies, diverts, projects, concentrates and radicalizes. Trump was anointed by God, Christians have been told, therefore opposing Trump is opposing God. Eventually the prophets and apostles get together to figure out how to convince Christians that God changed his mind—DeSantis Yeah! There is powerful mass psychology at work here. Anxious people want assurance. Disappointed people want revenge. Nobody wants to admit they’re wrong. Few within evangelical circles are willing to talk about not only what went wrong with that grasp for power, but the immorality of such a grasp, for fear of being excommunicated. Community is powerful. The few who did were fired. According to the apostles, the story goes, Christians just didn’t generate enough power to accomplish God’s Will—this is why the demonic forces carried the day. Next time, keep the faith slackers!

Human reliance upon power brings lies, violence, and rebellion. If you Christians really wanted a positive revival, then abandon the quest for power and start loving people. Pastors start teaching people to let go of their power, and all the nonsense, the conspiracies, the lies. Then perhaps God, whom your scriptures say is love, can then truly do his thing. (But, oh, yeah, pastors, ah, you’d lose your jobs…)

53: 45. ‘Are you in?’ No. One of the Podcasts I listen to are The New Evangelicals. Tim, I like this Tim, used to be drummer for an evangelical church. Tim started questioning the morality Christian Nationalism and the church’s enthusiastic support for a dirt-bag; so, he started a Podcast and started openly questioning things. As it gained traction and the church took notice, Tim was told by leadership, ‘Are you in? Either you stop what you’re doing, or you can’t work for us anymore.’ Tim followed his conscience and quit working for the church.

‘Are you in?’ is a loaded statement; it is more than a simple question. Did not Jesus say something to the effect, ‘those who deny me before men, I will deny before my father’? Since the church acts as the intermediary between God and man, if you are ‘not in’ with the stated mission to save the lost then perhaps your eternal destiny could be imperiled by your refusal to acquiesce? ‘Are you in’ is a call to obedience to follow the church’s program. I understand that’s how groups work, and things get done. But life, people, relationships are far more complicated than something like a football game which has clearly defined rules, goals, and limits. Am I in for using political power to accomplish Christian goals? I know you are not directly saying this here but it is implied since it is what the evangelical church supports in general, so again, no. Am I in for believing the supremist doctrine that, ‘without Christ, our hearts are desperately wicked’? Along with all the other things I wrote about above, a big hearty no. You don’t get to have my loyalty anymore.

54:18 ‘Learn…’ Yep. But not too much so that you’ll start questioning.

54:38 ‘Go… Serve.’ Depends what you mean by serve…

55:09 ‘Give….’ Not to what I think hurts people. ‘Unstoppable vision…’ I hope not.

58:30 ‘Strip out the selfishness.’ Here is how I see that statement… The evangelical political/religious coupling is selfish to its core—to maintain a sense of comfort, safety, supremacy. What is being said here is to fully affirm (‘Are you in?’) how the church is doing its business to save your neighbor, America, and by extension the world, for God. If you fail to support how we do business with your time and money, or even question how we are doing ‘God’s work,’ then you are selfish.

59:00 If God himself has shaped what the evangelical church is then God is an asshole. I don’t believe that I’m calling God himself an asshole here because I believe that it was (and is) men who believed they represent God who shaped the church. There is a big difference there which church leaders conveniently conflate to their own benefit. Decent, loving people within the church exist in large numbers but they are being abused and misled by a corrupt system devised by authoritarians.

59+ ‘We have the answers’? ‘Are you in?’ Mold me, shape me, use me. I give my life into the potter’s hands. (I used to be moved by that song.) Have a role to play? You know I still would like to be of use to the Almighty? You know I still desire that? Why? I have had good, lasting relationships with people in the church. I miss the community. But I had to look behind the curtain. I had to study and ask questions to find all the games and cover-ups. Question all the bullshit like, ‘the Spirit is telling me right now…’ It’s just a power play disguised as piety to get people to do what you want. All the corruption. All the lies. All the theology that is harmful and oppressive. The quest for power over others… I don’t see love in this.

Answers to what? What are the questions? How to be free? From what? The wrath of God? The fires of hell? Few people are going to read this, but I have this to say to you—the evangelical church is an enormous weight. If you want to be free, leave. It’s on my top ten list of the best things I ever did.

Find love. Find someone who loves and accepts you for who you are. Someone who does not play games, is willing to question, challenge, and explore. I believe God is both out there and right here. Although we try, we don’t get to define who God is. I find comfort in that because men can be terrifying, oppressive, and cruel to each other; the gods they define reflect this. I believe God just is. And I hope that one day when my body assumes room temperature, my spirit (if God wills it) will find something akin to sharing a lovely meal on a warm, spring day in the company of my beloved. Love is heaven.